Negative thinking- Should, Ought, and Must statements
There are Three musts that hold us back. I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy- Albert, Ellis Ph.D.
Dear Friend❤,
For the sake of your productivity and mental health, You need not be hard on yourself🙏.
When we irrationally demand that things should be a certain way without exception; We say things like
I should finish this course today
I must lose weight to look better
I ought to have saved more money.
We unconsciously employ “Should, Ought, and Must” statements for motivation, instead of achieving the intended purpose, David Burns argues that this attempt can, ironically, lead to feelings of apathy and unmotivation😢. '‘Should, Ought and Must’ statements often make us feel guilty about something we have done or have not done. They consummately set us up for negative self-judgment🤦♀️.
The “Go hard or Go home” mentality is a rigid belief. According to Elaine Houston, rigid beliefs can;
Increase stress, rumination, and anxiety
Create conflict and resentment toward others
Linked to difficulty recovering from stressful events.
In contrast, flexible beliefs come from an awareness that many things in life are out of our control. The place of growth is acknowledged here. Flexible thoughts about life can
help individuals adapt and cope with internal and external stressors
improve tolerance of uncertainty
increase belief in their competency
benefit well-being
Replace demands with flexible preferences that set more realistic expectations for yourself and others, rather than focusing on what must or should occur, consider what you prefer. For instance, the rigid belief "I must be successful and respected" can be replaced with "I would prefer to do well and have people respect me, but I can live without this happening." In any case, I am still the same person.😉" - this is a flexible, realistic, and logical preference👌.
I conclude with the immortal words of Viktor Frankl in the 1992 Preface of his book- “Man’s search for meaning”-
"Don't aim at success—the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run—in the long run, I say! —success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it."
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Yours in mental wellness,
Rema.
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